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Thread: Bit of a laugh

  1. #1
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Bit of a laugh

    Got emailed this thought id chuck it on here.

    Yesterday I was at my local Pak n Save store buying a large bag of Tux dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Tux Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Tux nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Pak n Save.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

    308Win One chambering to rule them all.

  2. #2
    Member EeeBees's Avatar
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    Love it!!
    ...amitie, respect mutuel et amour...

    ...le beau et le bon, cela rime avec Breton!...

  3. #3
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    hahahaha brilliant

    +1 for post of the month

  4. #4
    OPCz Rushy's Avatar
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    Good laugh. Here's another one for you

    A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts "THIS IS A RAID GET ON THE FLOOR" and proceeds to empty the tills. As he runs to the door with the loot in his free hand a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots him dead and shouts out "DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE?" After a short silence a voice is heard from a far corner ..... "I think my missus got a glimpse".
    It takes 43 muscle's to frown and 17 to smile, but only 3 for proper trigger pull.
    What more do we need? If we are above ground and breathing the rest is up to us!
    Rule 1: Treat every firearm as loaded
    Rule 2: Always point firearms in a safe direction
    Rule 3: Load a firearm only when ready to fire
    Rule 4: Identify your target beyond all doubt
    Rule 5: Check your firing zone
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    Rule 7: Avoid alcohol and drugs when handling firearms

  5. #5
    Member sneeze's Avatar
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    A man and his wife go the see the local priest with a confession. The priest asks "How can I help you my children"
    The man glances at his wife ,clears his throat and and says" well father, yesterday I was overcome with passion as my wife bent over the freezer to take something out for dinner,I just couldn't help myself and I took her from behind." the man stared at the floor in shame.
    The priest looked at the man and asked "you are married and this is your wife we are talking about" to which the man answered "yes father married 5 years now".
    "Well" said the priest "say 3 hail marys" and I'll see you on sunday"
    "So your not going to kick us out of the church then?" asked the man
    "Why would I do that?" replied the priest
    The man replied "Well they kicked us out of the supermarket"
    DAF, veitnamcam, Dundee and 1 others like this.
    "You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down" Charlie Chaplin

  6. #6
    A Good Keen Girl Dougie's Avatar
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    Nicked this from the Swazi Facebook Page:

    Swazi's Hump-Day Humour:

    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had e
    ndured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

    'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
    DAF, sneeze and veitnamcam like this.
    She loves the free fresh wind in her hair; Life without care. She's broke but it's oke; that's why the lady is a tramp.

    Rule 4: Identify your target beyond all doubt

  7. #7
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Good stuff guys and gals, I posted in the dog section because I thought it would hit the target audience.
    Perhaps it should be moved and added to now?
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

    308Win One chambering to rule them all.

  8. #8
    Member sneeze's Avatar
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    Actually i quite like the jokes scattered throught the forum. Your just strolling along through the different threads and a good laugh just pops up out of nowhere.
    Dougie likes this.
    "You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down" Charlie Chaplin

  9. #9
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Ok sweet as then

    There was an old man from Nantucket

    perhaps better not
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

    308Win One chambering to rule them all.

  10. #10
    Member sneeze's Avatar
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    who kept his balls in a bucket
    "You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down" Charlie Chaplin

  11. #11
    Member Dundee's Avatar
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    There was an old man from Leeds

    That swallowed a packet of seeds

    Within one hour his balls were a flower

    And his ass a riot of weeds

  12. #12
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Oh what the hell then...........

    There was an old man from McGosham
    Who took out his balls to wash em
    His wife said "Jack if you dont put em back Il step on the bastards and squash em"
    Dundee and Dougie like this.
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

    308Win One chambering to rule them all.

  13. #13
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet her knickers all tatters an torn.
    But it wasnt a spider that sat down beside her, It was little boy blue with his horn
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

    308Win One chambering to rule them all.

  14. #14
    Member Dundee's Avatar
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    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    Too have a hankey pankey
    When they got down
    Out popped little Frankey

  15. #15
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Long version blatently ripped from wiki


    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
    But his daughter, named Nan,
    Ran away with a man
    And as for the bucket, Nantucket

    But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
    The man and the girl with the bucket;
    And he said to the man,
    He was welcome to Nan,
    But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

    Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
    Where he still held the cash as an asset;
    But Nan and the man
    Stole the money and ran,
    And as for the bucket, Manhasset.
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

    308Win One chambering to rule them all.

 

 

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