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Thread: Campfire humour: ALL JOKES IN THIS THREAD PLEASE

  1. #1
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    Campfire humour: ALL JOKES IN THIS THREAD PLEASE

    Great to have a collection of good jokes to laugh about around the fire -here is one


    I was in a pub last night and saw two “girls of size” (as PC now requires us to say) by the bar. They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions about their origins I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?"
    One of them screamed, "It’s WALES , you f***ing idiot!"
    So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
    That's when the trouble started...
    Kitto, Kiwi Greg, Pointer and 15 others like this.

  2. #2
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    Yearly dementia test...if you dare!




    Our Yearly Dementia Test

    It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
    Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
    The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
    OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



    1. What do you put in a toaster?




























    Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
    Try not to hurt yourself.

    If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





    2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?








    Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
    However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.







    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?














    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
    If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.




    4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
    Milford Haven in Wales ... In London , 17 people get on the bus.
    In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
    In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
    In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
    In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
    In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
    You then arrive at Milford Haven ...


    Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?




















    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
    Don't you remember your own age?
    It was YOU driving the bus!!


    If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

    PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

  3. #3
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    bad dog
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    Philipo, Kitto, graham99 and 4 others like this.
    Tweed or not to Tweed that is the question

  4. #4
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    golddiggers
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    Tweed or not to Tweed that is the question

  5. #5
    Member Dundee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by el borracho View Post
    Yearly dementia test...if you dare!




    Our Yearly Dementia Test

    It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
    Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
    The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
    OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



    1. What do you put in a toaster?




























    Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
    Try not to hurt yourself.

    If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





    2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?








    Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
    However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.







    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?














    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
    If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.




    4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
    Milford Haven in Wales ... In London , 17 people get on the bus.
    In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
    In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
    In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
    In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
    In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
    You then arrive at Milford Haven ...


    Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?




















    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
    Don't you remember your own age?
    It was YOU driving the bus!!


    If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

    PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
    This one was missing

    4. It's twenty odd years ago, and a plane is flying at 20.000 feet

    over Germany (If you recall, Germany at that time was politically divided into

    West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, two

    engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also

    failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the

    engine fails before he can do so and the plane

    fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between

    East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the

    survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land?



    Answer: You don't bury survivors.
    Maca49 and Dynastar27 like this.

  6. #6
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    lol ,I stated thinking where!
    Tweed or not to Tweed that is the question

  7. #7
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    farming kid
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    graham99, hunter270 and Micky Duck like this.
    Tweed or not to Tweed that is the question

  8. #8
    Member Dundee's Avatar
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    wait for it 'El Boroccho' I got a good one up the shed will post on here when I've checked the stock.

  9. #9
    Member Dundee's Avatar
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    Name:  picture 181.jpg
Views: 14451
Size:  165.1 KBName:  picture 182.jpg
Views: 14484
Size:  163.0 KB
    Bryan, buell984, hunter270 and 1 others like this.

  10. #10
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    im sure this isn't religion
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    stingray, buell984 and Cordite like this.
    Tweed or not to Tweed that is the question

  11. #11
    Member el borracho's Avatar
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    P addiction
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    NRT, grunzter, Richard007 and 3 others like this.
    Tweed or not to Tweed that is the question

  12. #12
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    HAHa that dude on the end whatever his name is cracks me up,when the bald bits on each side join up its time to give up on long hair and go the no1
    Rule 3: Load a firearm only when ready to fire

    Chicken Intolerant.

  13. #13
    Member Dundee's Avatar
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    Hes in a lot of movies that ugly bugger

  14. #14
    R93
    R93 is online now
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    Also a bloody good actor IMO. Steve Buscemi.
    Sniper and LOC like this.

  15. #15
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Bad santa was one of his best I recon......................."you aint gonna shit right for a month"
    Rule 3: Load a firearm only when ready to fire

    Chicken Intolerant.

 

 

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