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Noooo you're doing it wrong. If the pook takes a crap on your face it's going to think it's dominant over you. You need to hold the pook still and take a crap on it so it knows who's boss.

All jokes about taking a crap on a pook's head aside I think you are doomed to fail. Wild animals are driven to survive and obtain food. If your garden has food then all harassing them will do is...

They generally won't stay still long enough for me to take a crap on them so this seemed easier.

Once you catch it in the cage trap, don't just turn the hose on it. Prove your dominance over it by unzipping and pissing on it.