A balls up from go to woah ! (Part 1).
The year was 2000 or 1999 or something round there, and Bambislammer and i had meticulously planned a fully armed assault on a spot we have in the Ureweras.....so meticulously planned it was, fuck all could, would or should go wrong.
And as me mate of a gazzilion years and even more missions on the deer reaming front says, "as soon as we assume all is going to plan, me old boiler, you can guarantee that within minutes, we are up to our necks in some sort of vaginal discharge!".
And so it was.
So, at the second to last minute Bambislammer and his lovely wench decide to divert a modicum of hunting funds carefully squirrelled away like a gob full of nuts for the winter, into the purchase of a new fucking house.
So, being the tight fisted fuck stain he is, it was stated, "looks like it'll be a walk in son, and a fucking heavier walk out"....(presuming we killed shit).
"FYM, " was my reply, "i can go with a walk in, but we're getting the kitchen whisk out or you can fuck yourself with a barb wire truncheon, you cnut".
Therefore hastliy relaid plans were hatched, gear carefully sorted for the lightest load each, a snazzy fuck off brilliant tent was borrowed from Slammers dad in law, stuff stashed in packs, and we off like a brides nightie.
After an uneventful trip along the road, apart from the cnut on a motorbike wizzing along without his lights on in the dark and giving us a jolly good fright, whilst we had stopped for a "urine break", we
got dropped off at the beginning of our footslog, we bade farewell to our good samaritan driver and began our 10 day mission into the shrubbery.
(Actually, the cheery farewell to our driver was more like, "Thanks for the lift, now fuck off and we'll see you Tuesday week at the chopper pad...enjoy being at work you fucking hairy ball bag, go on, piss off".
And with that, we stepped into the trees and were swallowed up like a hooker on a hard on !
After an hour or so pleasant trudge we found ourselves at a pleasant wee bend in the river and after a quick mooch about, decided on a spot to camp on a pleasant wee clearing that bespoke to us like a voice from the heavens, "Er, camp here for the night friends, for this is a spot of all spots. You will sleep pleasantly and in the morning, find yourselves well rested for the journey ahead. Come, set up your campsite, eat food from your rucksacks, drink from the clear rushing waters of the mountain stream, and rest in the bosum of this bountiful land".
Righty fucking o then we said, done !
Bits of gear flying all over the show, food parcels like the red cross doing an airdrop into a prison camp being biffed about while camping gear was produced in abundance.
We set to erecting the very fucking snazzy 2 man tent that fuckhead, er Slammer, had borrowed and i said to the loser, 'Er fuck mate, shes not a very big tent this fucker is it, are you sure you got a 2 man job then"?
"Yep, no worries the old pop in law just got this fucker a week or two back and we're the lucky cnuts that get to trial the fucker for him "
Ok...so up goes the 2 man tent, i unzip the zip and bugger me with a bullfrog, there i spy with my little fucking eye, a label ....
A label that clearly states, "thanks alot you dumb fuck for buying this shit hot Mac Pac 1 man fucking tent !!!!!!
You fucking beauty !!!!!
After some mirth from my mate , who in my book was fast becoming "New Zealands next top murder victim", i got out my rope, my camo ground sheet and made me a bivvy....
Ah well, its a lovely night, the stars are out, a belly full of wholesome tucker, my mate tucked up in his scratcher, telling me how fucking cozy his 1 man 2 man tent actually is and me planning on how he would awake in the morning to find himself disemboweled and his liver in a sharp stick over the campfire, roasting Hannibal Lecter style.!
Fuck it i thought, i have a dandy little bivvy, a warm scratcher, me coat for a pillow, whatever could go wrong !!!!
Fast forward to later that night, or even very early the next morning if you want to be really fucking pedantic about it, and we were awakened to a sound like a frieght train heading in our general direction....
"What the fuck is that " say us to each other.
Its as black as the inside of a fucking cow, still as dead camel, but what a racket getting louder and fucking louder.
With that, an almighty crashing and smashing, leaves and shit swirling all about, my dandy little bivvy getting a hiding from the unseen hand of Satan and suddenly buckets of rain like fucking unreal.
Holy shit fuck....Satan, Lucifer and Be-elzibub all going spastic in a fucking fishbowl....my dandy bivvy complete with snazzy manuka tent pegs gets ripped of the moorings, half my gear gets shredded across the clearing, rains pissing down, i'm hanging onto the sides of me camo groundsheet like i'm about to go fucking para-ponting, and then the lightning and thunder puts in an appearance.!
The wind is fucking howling like a hooker that hasn't been paid, ya can't hear yaself think let alone talk to ya best mate next door tucked up in his fucking 1 man 2 man tent the cunt, and i'm about this time just slightly beginning to fear for my life.
Trees were crashing down all around us, and i'm going , fucking Cyclone fucking Bola was not like this....lightning, thunder more rain, wind ....we copped the lot.
I yell out to me mate, "oi fucker"....his tent unzips....
"zzzzzziiiiiiiiiiippppppppp"
His little shaven head pops out (looked a bit like his tent was giving birth to him actually....i once asked his mum about his birth, to be fair she said, "the little cunt was a fucking ugly little bastard when he was born, nothings fucking changed !").
"er mate, any chance i can pop on over and share ya tent , best mate?"
He looks around a bit, another lightning/thunder/rain ensomble lashes the clearing, and he looks back at me in the blinding glare of me headlamp and says, "Nah sorry mate, theres fuck all room in here, have you tried the inn?"
zzzzziiiiiiippppppp !
You cunt....with that , all hell breaks loose and my camp disintergrates !
So, i scramble out of my sack, rip me clothes of so i'm stark bollock naked as a fucking very good looking and suitably well hung porn star, and i'm tearing round trying to salvage my shit and stuff it in my pack and a fucking giant yellow plastic bag.
After a some minutes of running about the middle of the forest in the middle of the fucking night in the middle of the biggest fuck off fucking storm in the histroy of the fucking universe, i managed to get most of my fucking shit back, got everything stowed away, grabbed me clothes back on, jumped in my sack, wrapped the camo sheet round and round me like i was a packet of "shark n tatey roast" from the local corner chippie, and plonked back on the ground wound up like a fucking mummy......with just my nose poking out so i didn't fucking suffocate !
Fuck me i was thinking....another mighty crashing and the whole world lit up like a Pink Floyd gig light show.....this massive lightning bolt crashed and completely blew this big as tree clean outa the ground straight across the river from us, right before my beady eyes....it looked fucking awesome , but equally fucking scarey spice, and we're thinking, thank fuck for clearings.....and as soon as it turned up, the whole kit and cabootle was gone......10 - 15 minutes tops i guess......but some serious destruction had happened....
My mate tucked up in his Judas tent, me wrapped like a fucking Egyptian, and all thats left is the rain.
It rained for the next 24 hours and we ate, slept and fixed my bivvy up.
Day 3 of our ultimate journey broke to sunshine and the promise of a good few days spurred us into action. Broke camp and began to make our way up to our spot.
Crossings were a bit tricky but the water was dropping fast, and by the time we got to our turnoff an hour later, the creek we had to traverse was low and nearly clear.
Into the creek, and bit of a flounder here and there, and climbed up onto a game trail, 40 minutes later the valley opened up ahead of us.
A stag roared above us but he can wait, we pushed on.
Another 40 minutes, round the bend and our "hotspot" was in sight...or was it?
Bambislammer says, "Nah mate theres a way to go yet i think, cos there was them two big fuck off Kahikatea trees by where we camp"....
Walked up, and holy shagging gekkos, one of these ginormous trees had arseholed right across our camping site.
To be fair, had we flown in, our 1 man 2 man tent and 1 man bivvy would not have been right in the drop zone, but all the same.....the nearest brances would have gotten to with in 2 -3 metres of where we would have been ensconced.
That would have been insane and one or other of, possibly both, may have had to seek urgent medical help for a serious case of " fluid and solid non-retention"
With that, a stag roars above camp, so we quickly get the basics sorted and off i go for a look....climb up the spur and sneaking about like a very fucking cunning sneaky weasel, i'm halfway between trees, no cover , when the massive 5 pointer springs me.
Bastard son of a slutty hind eyeballs me with just his head poking round a tree.
I lift me gun, the mighty Ruger .308 in those days, in fact, the very same piece of finely crafted weaponry that Bambislammer now has in his gun cupboard, and uses to very good effect these days, and place the crosshairs on the stag....wobbly as fuck, standing in an awkward position i could not hold steady, so elected not to have a shot, tho it was prolly less than 50 yards....
