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FYM Roar 2012.....part 2.
TUESDAY: there i was at the crack of dawn, dawn was loving it to, but then i woke up to find it was just a dream..thank f*ck Sako75 and his band of reprobates were 26kms south of "The Bunker" or dare i say it, he would have been spooning someone from our camp...anyway, up i got and slung some makings into a billy, fired up half of the Maui field and got to brewing up some stodge that did not quite resemble porrige.
Gave the lads a shake-awake...well Slammer and the exhausted MEB, Plopo was on the clearing doing "Tai Chi" (some weird f*ck off asian stretching exercises, so i got to it as well, feeling like a complete prat and wishing i hadn't, when Slammers head appeared from his gay looking f*ck off tent, like a giant pooh erupting from a larvaes arse)...."WTF are you c*nts f*cking doing?" he enquired
"FYM" was the general reply, "Can't you see we are at one with North Korea, except for two things (which is slightly more than one) we have a f*cks sight more food, and definitely better guns"
f*ck me with a fish bin, porrige was ready, Plebo and Gd were limbered up like we'd just shagged Cindy Crawford, a gullet full of stodge and i'm knocking out a few sarnies for lunchtime.
MEB appears as only Meb can...looking like he'd gone 10 rounds with a drunken aborigine woman over a 6 pack and and a packet of fish n chips!!!!
"Sarnie mate ?"
"f*ck yes, why not"
"Your choice of topping my good man?", i asked. "Penis butter or vaginamite?"
"Ah", says meb, "the good old "sexual spreads"..i'll go with the penis butter today thanks FYM".
And so it was, stodge for breakfast, and bread laden with "sexual spreads" for lunch.
"Righto you wankstains, who am i hunting with today then"?
My three intrepid camp-chumps told me basically to "f*ck right off",so i did, all by myself.
So off i go sauntering here and there, generally making a nuisance with my plastic roaring horn by making a racket in the peacefull forest, trying to find my next murder victim.
Mooched into a spiffingly top looking spot, a nice open gut with a wee bit of sign here and over there, and a bit of pig rooting as well..i snuck around the edge at a metre a minute, eyes peeled like a potato and yes, i saw f*ck all.
So on i go, ducked around that tree, snooped thru this bit here, snuck over a fallen log, giving a barrage of roars like i knew WTF i was doing and seeing as no other c*nt was watching, i felt i was doing ok.
Climbed up a bit, and sat in the first of the morning sun and troffed my way thru and apple and a bubble bar, carefully stashing the wrapper (not to be confused with Eminem or Snoop Dog) away in my back pack, and strategically placing the apple core into the ground where it may well grow a tree, gave a roar and sidled my way upwards.
Got into some thick stuff, but with a bit of dodging and weaving i sneaked along like a very f*cking cunning c*nt.
Letting rip with another roar, woohoo, theres a roar away across the other side of the creek and up a bit.
ROAR.....Roarrrrrrr back.
I sit tight...tooting a few more times and it seems "boofhead" is staying put...
Right you scumf*cker, i'll come to you...no worries, my legs are good at getting me places, so f*cking lookout !
Took a couple more steps and a "squarky bird" lets rip about 30 metres away going off the rowdy feathered f*ck.
"Hmmmmm, i can't have frightened that little prick", i thinks.....so into super-stealth mode...have a carefull gander about and then 20 metres away i see"up periscope" goes a lovely hinds head, looking around like U69 looking for a ship to sink mid Atlantic.
There she was, gawking about prolly thinking, "Now, where is that horny stag making all that din so he can rock in and jump all over me and make a little mini-me deer baby"?????
But no, twas not a horny stag cruising thru the forest looking for a quick shag, it was none other than dodgy Greendog with his trusty Ruger .243 at hand, and i gave that bitch a facial !!!!!!!
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and......
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From 20 odd yards she was on the deck quicker than a fat kid into a pie shop. The uranium depleted 100 grainer made a nice mess of her "intra-cranial pudding bowl".
Gave the poor tart a nudge downhill and eventually met up with her again at the bottom.
Meanwhile all the din i was making was not putting off the rowdy prick across the way, and noise control was not answering the phone !
There i was, up to my nuts in guts and the noisy c*nt was going spastic.
I gave a few toots, he bellowed like a gypo outside a WINZ office after having his benefit cut....thought i'd go over and smash the c*nt...the stag, not the gypo, although truth be known, the gypo probably deserved a beating....but i digress....
Anyway, Henrietta Hind is by now in several bits, front end stashed in my back pack, a backsteak in each of me pants pockets, the fillets which i had cooling on a mossy log were being carefully guarded incase Savage's black-arsed mutt was lurking in the bushes waiting for my back to be turned and snaffling the prime bits of me deer....!
Stags very worked up about a 100 yards away, so i gave him a roar and thought, FYM here i come f*ckstain....but then my tiny droplet of "good c*nt blood" took over and i went "Nay, i shall leave this beast with all his excellent turgidicy and stagtosterone for one of my fellow campers, hi de f*cking hi !"
So, i sling the arse of henrietta aboard, i sneaked out of there leaving that stag to his own devices.
Now, i had 4 things on my "Bucket List" this trip....
1. Help meb get a stag....done!
2 Shoot me a hind....done.
3 Get Bambislammer onto a roaring stag and watch the c*nt shoot it whilst i videod the murder
4 See Philipo fall over and break an arm or leg so we could set off his brand new EPIRB to see if the f*cking thing actually worked.
2 down, 2 to go !
So, i gets back to "Archie"...(bunker) and find the place deserted but for MEB who had had a wee DOFRMOC, and cleaned up his stag noggin.
Ploppi and Slammer had f*cked off for a giant tiki-tour of epic proportions getting back wayyyyyy late and a little weary without firing a shot !
So, after stashing HH's bits in the meat safe, i pissanted about the camp feeling pretty pleased with meself seeing as i almost didn't even bring my gun, cos i couldn't really be bothered...but then quite glad i did cos none of them other pricks would lend me theres anyway the pricks !
Wednesday" BS and GD bail from "Archie" at sparrows, into the "spot" , both tooled up and looking quite the part....we get above the creek and a say to Slammer, "Oi, hang on a tick", and stash my gun under a log and biff a few fern bits over it.
"You c*nt", says BS"f*cking bring ya gun you pus riddled syfillus infected camels cock..."
"f*ck off, i've carried the c*nt far too far already, 300 yards mate, i'm f*cking exhausted...you've got yours, carry on"....
Bwahahahahahahah
So off we go, up hill, down dale, over there, over here, round this over that, under f*cking allsorts, left here right there, round the f*cking mulberry bush !
Heard one pitifull grizzle from a skinny f*cking mangebag all f*cking day and that was prolly only cos the c*nt had chokka block nut sacks and needed a shag !
FFS !
Out by candle light, back by candle light...and f*ck all to show for shit, and the wind was now blowing like a cheap South Auckland crack whore !!!!!
shitshitshitshitshitdarn !
Back in camp everyone had the same miserable shit tail of woe.....nothing heard , nothing seen.
Thursday and the same screaming wind from every f*cken direction at once prevailed and was a total annoying cockup a donkey (sounds a bit like JohnKey if you say it with an aussie accent..... ), was somewhat frustrating....however, ....
Friday dawned clear and calm....yay.
Gd and Plipio head off upstream to the "waterfall"....i'm heading up the right hand side P is heading away to the left, wind permitting.
I get about halfway up a steep dodgy bit which wasn't there the last time i climbed up there, i'm pretty sure, when i look up and "i spy with my little eye" 3/4 of a deer.....arse to front shoulder....yay f*cking me i thinks.....hind? stag?...dunno, FYM, I thumb the bolt down, lift me f*cking awesome Ruger .243, thumb me glasses down me snout an inch, eye to the scope...KABOOM !
The deer leaps 3 feet off the ground and bolts.
Crash, crash....wipeout !!!!!!!
You f*cking bewdy.
Another close range smashing....
I go up, then down and find Harriet Hind hung up in a tree.
"Welcome to my nightmare, bitch".....
Give her a nudge and trundle down hill and meet up with her 300 feet later.
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Once again, i'm up to me nuts in guts, and give thanks to me ol mate the late, great 7miller for putting another one in front of me..... get on the radio, give Bambislammer the news, "The drinks are on me, make mine a double" !
Chopped several bits off and layed them on rocks at the creek edge with the waterfall 30 yards away...covered the bits with fern leafs to keep the Somalian Sky Pirates off and headed back up the hill from wence i came .
Got onto a stag that Plipo had roaring like a mental from across the gully, but by the time i'd closed the 400 yard gap the wind once again up my rectal area f*cked any chance of scoring 3 and getting to keep the match ball. !
Other stags roared and MEB had some fun but couldn't bag another.
Alas, Bambislammer and Philipo sucked out but still had meat to take home.
Brilliant week away, good company, seriously funny campfire , great war stories, mega-upload bullshit for africa !
Last but not least lads.....FYM !
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