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Thread: Aussie Joke.

  1. #1
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    Smile Aussie Joke.

    Dave lives on a 1,500 square km property in western Queensland
    One day dave buys a ticket in a raffle to win a 3.75metre boat, trailer motor and all the gear.
    any way the raffle is drawn a dave is picked out as the winner.
    So dave picks up his new boat and gets home to show the wife.
    Her comment was ''WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO USE THAT"
    you see there is no big riveres or dams for hundreds of km from daves place.
    so dave tows it out to the middle of the 10,000acre paddock, pull's it off the trailer climbs in and starts to fish
    Thinking dave has stripped a thread (gone nuts) she calls dave's brother to sort him out
    So Tim turns up on the scene to find dave in the boat in the middle of the paddock.
    What do you think you are upto Dave? , Tim asked.
    Whats do you think, I'm fishing. Dave reply's
    "Dave it is people like you that give us Queenslander's a bad name, If I could swim I would come out there and kick your arse".

    Cheers Rob
    sorry for the spelling , just finished N/shift.
    hunter308 and Neckshot like this.

  2. #2
    Numzane Spudattack's Avatar
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    An Australian walks into his bedroom where his wife is lying in bed with sheep under his arm

    He says "You see this honey? This is the pig I have to shag when you have a headache!"

    His Wife replies "If you weren't so fucking stupid you would realise that is a sheep!"

    To which he says "And if you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you would realise I was talking to the sheep!"
    veitnamcam, Bryan, Savage1 and 2 others like this.
    "Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence."

  3. #3
    OPCz Rushy's Avatar
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    Always good taking the piss out of Aussies.
    Spanners likes this.
    It takes 43 muscle's to frown and 17 to smile, but only 3 for proper trigger pull.
    What more do we need? If we are above ground and breathing the rest is up to us!
    Rule 1: Treat every firearm as loaded
    Rule 2: Always point firearms in a safe direction
    Rule 3: Load a firearm only when ready to fire
    Rule 4: Identify your target beyond all doubt
    Rule 5: Check your firing zone
    Rule 6: Store firearms and ammunition safely
    Rule 7: Avoid alcohol and drugs when handling firearms

  4. #4
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    A kiwi invites his aussie mate over to his sheep farm for a visit,the next morning after his arrival he takes him to check the fencelines a while later he spots a ewe stuck head first in the fence he stops the quad jumps off and walks over to the ewe drops his pants and gives it a root!.Once hes finnished he looks over to his aussie mate and says your turn mate,the aussie jumps of the quad and walks over bends down and sticks his head in the fence!.

  5. #5
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    Re: Aussie Joke.

    Moari fullah in a pub in oz when jacko comes up and askes "where are you from mate" "newzealand" he replied. "Hey shirl this abbo reckons hes a kiwi" " Is it true you guys fuck sheep" ....after a short pause the moari boy sez" yep we get given a lamb when we're 14 and we fuck the shit out of it for 2 years..... then we export them to aussie. Now think about that the next time the gravies running down your chin!".

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

  6. #6
    Member hunter308's Avatar
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    Some pretty good jokes there makes me wonder what jokes the Aussies crack about us guess I will soon find out when I get over there.
    RULE 4: IDENTIFY YOUR TARGET BEYOND ALL DOUBT


    To be a Human is to be an Alien, ask the animals, We invade this world and we are killing it, we are destroying the earth and nobody gives a fuck except for the animals
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  7. #7
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    Re: Aussie Joke.

    Oh theyre homos bro

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

  8. #8
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hunter308 View Post
    Some pretty good jokes there makes me wonder what jokes the Aussies crack about us guess I will soon find out when I get over there.
    They just turn around our jokes bro, cant think of there own be sure to remind them they have more sheep than us when they drag out the old sheep jokes
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

  9. #9
    Numzane Spudattack's Avatar
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    Aussie bloke walks up to a woman in a bar and says "G'dday Shiela! Fancy a fuck!"
    To which she replies "Not till I met you, you smooth talking bastard!"
    CreepingDeath likes this.
    "Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence."

  10. #10
    Member hunter308's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by veitnamcam View Post
    They just turn around our jokes bro, cant think of there own be sure to remind them they have more sheep than us when they drag out the old sheep jokes
    Yep and I will also remind them that we don't go writing songs about tying up certain animals in acts of bondage unlike their old mate rolf.

    Now Slim dusty was recently seen at an STD clinic when the doctor asked him why he was there he replied "there is nothing so lonesome morbid or drear than when you get up the barmaid and shes got gonorrhoea.
    RULE 4: IDENTIFY YOUR TARGET BEYOND ALL DOUBT


    To be a Human is to be an Alien, ask the animals, We invade this world and we are killing it, we are destroying the earth and nobody gives a fuck except for the animals
    .

  11. #11
    Almost literate. veitnamcam's Avatar
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    A young bloke growing up in the outback is coming up 21 and still a virgin, apart from the odd sheep stuck in a fence of course.
    He decides come hell or high water he is going to get laid before his 21st so starts saving then heads for the big smoke.
    Walking down a street of ill repute he sees a sign on the footpath "cheapest sex in town!" that sounds like me he thinks as even tho he has been saving its been lean times on the farm what with the 25year drought and all.
    So in the door and up the stairs he goes ring the bell and waits for the Madam. While he is waiting he sees the "specials board" it said
    10 dollar budget special.
    20 dollar watch and learn
    50 dollar works
    The Madam arrives and he says " I'll try the 10 dollar special thanks" she take his 10 dollars and leads him off down the hall opens a door lets him in shuts the door and flicks on the light in one movement.
    He looks around the room.....there is nothing.no carpet no furniture and no girl! All there is is a chicken tied to the floor. FFS he thinks I could of had this back on the farm but oh well Iv already paid for it so..............................
    Next night he is back and says to the Madam " I didn't think too much of the ten dollar budget special I think I'll have the 20 dollar watch and learn tonight" the Madam takes his money and leads him off down the hall again and lets him into another room.
    There is a few seats, a few other guys and a live sex act going on threw the glass.
    As he sits down the guy on his left says "fuck this is alright eh" the guy on his right replies "Na this is shit....you should have been here last night, some devo was fucking a chicken"
    Spook likes this.
    "Hunting and fishing" fucking over licenced firearms owners since ages ago.

  12. #12
    A Good Keen Girl Dougie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CreepingDeath View Post
    Moari fullah in a pub in oz when jacko comes up and askes "where are you from mate" "newzealand" he replied. "Hey shirl this abbo reckons hes a kiwi" " Is it true you guys fuck sheep" ....after a short pause the moari boy sez" yep we get given a lamb when we're 14 and we fuck the shit out of it for 2 years..... then we export them to aussie. Now think about that the next time the gravies running down your chin!".

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

    That's a good Mike King one!
    She loves the free fresh wind in her hair; Life without care. She's broke but it's oke; that's why the lady is a tramp.

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  13. #13
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    Re: Aussie Joke.

    Haha good ole mikey

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

  14. #14
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    three kiwi's are travelling up to the mountains for the weekend
    When over the radio a urgent notice was broadcasted that New Zealands prize winning ewe was stuck in a fence way up in the hills
    the 1st kiwi said I wish that it was Racheal Hunter
    the 2nd kiwi said I wish it was Elle Mcpherson ( he had very good taste)
    and the 3rd one said I wish it was dark.

    Cheers Rob
    Have a great weekend
    veitnamcam and Neckshot like this.

  15. #15
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    Re: Aussie Joke.

    I smell an ocka haha

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

 

 

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