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  • 18 Post By kawekakid
  • 1 Post By kotuku

Thread: Sense of Humour

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
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    Manawatu
    Posts
    489

    Sense of Humour

    As we enter the next 4 weeks of lockdown here is a summary of the crystal clear and concise advice:

    1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

    2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not

    3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

    4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work

    5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there

    6. This virus can kill people, but donít be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. Itís possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster

    7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not

    8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out

    9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you wonít need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some

    10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it effects

    11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and thereÖ

    12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)

    13. You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...

    14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go out shopping

    15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But donít sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if youíre not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down donít eat your picnic

    16. Donít visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication

    17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household canít go out when you are better unless they need to go out

    18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...

    19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver

    20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you canít go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance

    21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic

    22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because youíre not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am

    23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am

    24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die ofÖ the people who die of corona who arenít counted wonít be counted

    25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so itís important we get infected and some donít get infected

    26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours wonít call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music

    27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus
    doinit, gadgetman, stug and 15 others like this.

  2. #2
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    May 2018
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    Stewart Island Rakiura
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    Yep those are so what Ive seen and thought.

  3. #3
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    Feb 2013
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    spreydon christcurch.
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    well,Im back on my first night duty after a month of solitary confinement -a sense of humour -much needed if i have to workwith a couple of routine obsessed matriarchs!
    Micky Duck likes this.

  4. #4
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    spreydon christcurch.
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    on the verge of so called easing of restrictions (dont give up your day jobs jacinda or ashley ,ya both piss poor public speakers and comedians)Id say the reserve tank of humour in this forum just ran dry!

  5. #5
    Member Tussock's Avatar
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    Feb 2018
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    Oamaru
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    Quote Originally Posted by kawekakid View Post
    As we enter the next 4 weeks of lockdown here is a summary of the crystal clear and concise advice:

    1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

    2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not

    3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

    4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work

    5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there

    6. This virus can kill people, but donít be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. Itís possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster

    7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not

    8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out

    9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you wonít need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some

    10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it effects

    11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and thereÖ

    12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)

    13. You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...

    14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go out shopping

    15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But donít sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if youíre not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down donít eat your picnic

    16. Donít visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication

    17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household canít go out when you are better unless they need to go out

    18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...

    19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver

    20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you canít go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance

    21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic

    22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because youíre not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am

    23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am

    24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die ofÖ the people who die of corona who arenít counted wonít be counted

    25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so itís important we get infected and some donít get infected

    26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours wonít call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music

    27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus
    That was very well done.

    I commented to the wife yesterday that people are so confused by this it's boring.

    Remember it's more and less dangerous than people thought so make sure you stay in and get some air.

    I think you nailed it.

  6. #6
    Member Sideshow's Avatar
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    Apr 2015
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    UK
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    Sorry but should this not be in the truth thread

    Our we can all just skip straight to point 23
    It's all fun and games till Darthvader comes along
    I respect your beliefs but don't impose them on me.

  7. #7
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    Dec 2011
    Location
    Auckland but from the Mainland
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    That's spot on. Iv'e emailed MBIE for clarification on regional travel, they don't answer a simple bloody question, duck shove you to the Ministry of Transport, same response, just a computer sending out a faceless reply, typical bureacrats, fucking useless.

  8. #8
    Member northdude's Avatar
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    Apr 2013
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    north auckland area
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    Also
    You must keep a 2m distance when wating in a que to go into supermarket dont worry if your standing down wind of people as the microscopic virus cant be blown to you
    You are only to be tested for the virus if you have all the symptoms because if you only have 1 or 2 you wont have the virus

  9. #9
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    Oct 2013
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    Western BoP
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    But if you have no symptoms it's also important to get tested so we know you don't have it and so the area of the community you were in for the last x period of time didn't have it up until the time you were tested. I think. Or something like that, farked if I know is it past 10.00am yet?

  10. #10
    Member northdude's Avatar
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    Apr 2013
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    north auckland area
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    also just to make things easier if you read the guidelines you need to know about getting back to work you will notice that the answer to a number of questions is yes and no to avoid any confusion over the said guidelines therefore aiding law enfocement agencies in enforcing said guidelines
    22 hornets and most things 6.5

  11. #11
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    Feb 2013
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    spreydon christcurch.
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    one way to ensure you get ya 2m spacing is eat a dodgy curry /drink some crook piss and line up in the supermarket line next morning -as gas builds let it go itll be wet and likely very malodorous but act innocent or quietly grumble to no one in particular -shit we know its dead but why did you release it now

    if ,of course youre diplomatic like me youll quietly say 'excuse me but i think something crawled up your bottom and its died!!"
    It never fails
    jacinda could be a tad flatulent as every so often you see her corgi grant robertsonsnose twitch and he gives her prolonged funny looks..maybe hes the culprit -just sayin!!

  12. #12
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    My SOH has been severely tested this very day. go out to get some essential supplies -can find my wallet -search house high and low -temper is reaching volcano level -no luck
    retrace steps of yesterday -no luck .repeating how oneself is a dumb c..t if ones balls weren't attached one would lose em ......etc etc I do second search of house like a customs drug dog -no fucking luck.
    Ok time to list whats missing and ring up .Mood by now is off the earthquake scale-cant get through to costers calvary CHCH sub branch -adds fuel to the flames!!!
    All the while Murphy the wee Irish prick is giggling at me -I return to my bedroom for a 4th search -FUCK ME RIGID-there the bastard lies -its fallen off my bedside table and down behind my multi box to lay flat on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!
    So Murphy ya wee paddy clover munching fuckwit i owe you one!
    Right -lets start on the truck repairs for a warrant .got a 2nd hand steering rack in good nicck for a sweet price(didnt need all after all) so after a bloody tussle finally got the required ball joint to come apart.
    My el cheapo Ozito torque driver is a wee honey . climbed under ye old 91 toyota hilux surf and proceed to remove steering box-hold up -yep they dont match !!!!!!!!!!
    and well thats life matey brae -some days a bloke just shouldnt get outta the fartsack.
    This i can remedy -no probs -so im sitting here typing drinking a very palatable dark ale with my SOH slighty more rebalanced!!

  13. #13
    Member Max Headroom's Avatar
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    2m exclusion for a tiger sounds very sensible.

    20m would be better.
    RIP Harry F. 29/04/20

 

 

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